Schizophrenia

It might be hard to believe, for people who google everything especially, but despite my diagnosis of schizophrenia, I’ve never looked up to see what it means. Nor read the pamphlets I’ve given over the years to explain it. I know the stereotypical notion, that’s no longer mentioned in politically correct land. I know saying politically correct is frowned upon by people who want to exclude you, and add trigger warnings. It’s very 80’s. Well I’m very 80’s. That’s how it works. The things you fight for and believe in when you are young stick like glue. In the 80’s we couldn’t band together online; we banded together in person. My friends considered me ‘nuts’ ‘crazy’ ‘mad’ but still loved me.
The stereotypical notion was ‘split personality’ and that is considered wrong and inaccurate. But speaking from where I am, it’s fairly accurate. There are 2 of me. One Kaz who has over the years danced, painted, sculpted, taught, written…..yes finished writing books. submitted poems and got them published. read on stages. Danced on stages. Made friends. Had partners and a child. Driven motorbikes and cars. Visited many countries, hitched, blagged, loved,and enjoyed.
Then there is this other Kaz, who hears voices that no one else does, sees roads ripple in front of her, and houses crumble when she walks down the street. So she doesn’t walk down the street. Or talk to people, because she has no idea what will come out of her mouth. And who feels extreme pain when she has to look at someone, speak to someone. Even in a shop for 30 seconds. Who fights every day not to lie down in traffic, or throw herself off the edge of something.  Who doesn’t think anything is real, and if it’s real, why does the ending keep changing. And why can nobody see what I see? Hear what I see?

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