I have a ticket to see LP in London for this Friday . I love LP as much as I loved Kate Bush when I was very young. I saw all Kate’s rehearsals at the Rainbow Theatre back in the day …..met her and all that jazz when I was a teenage runaway. I had the chance to see her more recent show. I couldn’t go. Mentally I couldn’t go. I can’t go to the LP gig. It’s difficult to explain why I can’t leave my Trailer. I don’t see the point of explaining my multiple issues to people. Why would they care? It’s all ‘caring about yourself’ in the 21st century. I don’t have agoraphobia….I don’t hate the human race (I prefer animals) but it’s one of those months where I can’t trust myself not to lie down in traffic, can’t trust myself enough to have the attention span to look before I cross a road. So there you go…..
I’ve given up FB for Lent….or forever….time will tell. I’ve given up other things too. Relying on people (I gave up on that a long time ago, but sometimes I need to remind myself.) The thing about FB is…it’s a very crowded room, with everyone talking at the top of their voices. And I don’t like crowded rooms, loud voices….or the way everyone becomes cartoons of themselves.
I’m going to go back to just doing the things I can do: Art. Writing. Caring for animals.
And avoid the things I can’t do: Fitting in. Self-promoting. Believing what people say.
My life has few consistencies, but it has one consistency since I got older: things arrive too late. I’m thinking in particular about opportunities and rewards, which are so tardy in arriving that I’ll have gone past caring by the time they turn up.
I believe we attract the very thing we fear and want to avoid. Probably by feeding it with attention and energy. I think we keep repeating lessons until we understand the message. I think life is primarily about learning. I believe we carry all of our learning into our next lives. I won’t label that belief with ‘reincarnation’. I would like to avoid labels . I believe labels are a convenient way for other people to squash us.
At this point in time I’m living in a trailer on a trailer park. The surroundings are beautiful, BUT I have a vindictive next door neighbour who is trying to get me ousted. This is not paranoia. Yesterday a friend on the trailer park came over to tell me that Jill is hammering on doors and trying to get neighbours on her side. I’ve done nothing wrong.
This is not the first time this has happened. That fact doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong. It means the thing that I most fear, being kicked out of my home is on a constant repeat cycle.
I’m happy with the kind of minimum, undecorated, mish-mash of an existence a huge swathe of my friends would be horrified by. But I really need to feel secure in the place I live. I need to feel (and it to be the case) that I can stay somewhere for as long as I want.
Three weeks ago my small Chinese crested rescue dog Noodles was savaged by a Staffie. During the attack my other rescue dog Chicken, a cross-breed. slipped her harness and tore off down the road. Both my dogs were on leash, a hundred yards from the Trailer Park where we live. The Staffie was off leash, not in the control of the owner who was a hundred yards behind his dog as it tore towards Noodles and viciously attacked him. When the owner arrived he couldn’t get his dog to release mine, who was screaming in pain. Then a blank. I’m walking down the High Street looking for my second dog, and someone points out where she ran to, then seeing the terrible state of my other dog, drives us to our vet ‘out of hours.’ A huge vet bill, a terrifying time at Pet Hospital where Noodles’s stomach was sewn up (it was herniated) and the puncture wounds all over his body treated. Stitches are now out, but we are all a mess. I am trying not to be a mess, because the dogs pick up on my emotions, but I am a mess. I have reported the attack, but as I was not in a position to take details from the owner, he and his dog are still doing what they do. I imagine in a new area, because I will recognise them. But who knows? Stupidity and arrogance very often go hand in hand.
I never cease to be amazed at the number of us who manage to keep going. Some of us in a striving way, some riding an invisible flow, others in a defeatist, hopeless kind of way. I often wonder who is happy. If we are striving, how can we be happy? If happy means satisfied with what we have, why do we need more? Do we believe we get what we strive for, rather than it all being a ridiculous series of coincidences? When we get what we are striving for (assuming we do) The Point Is? If we float along, letting things happen at us, The Point Is?If we keep going in a hopeless way, with the knowledge that nothing good will come to us, and even if it does The Point Is? What about those of us who stamp on other people to get where you want to be? Or who have to expand our ego enough to fill a room to convince everyone how great we are. And if they believe us, The Point Is?